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Addiction, Generational Curses, and My Prayer for Healing

It has been a very rough week for me. So rough that I’ve been feeling empty, questioning myself, questioning where I am in life, even though I know I live a very fulfilling life. I'm grieving, mourning, remembering, and trying to get out of survival mode. It is a lot of mental work right now.

September 15th marked Mom’s 68th birthday. This was the 3rd birthday I spent without her. I thought I would be fine. I prepared for the day mentally, or so I thought, but just a few days before her birthday, we found out my God Sister passed away. Now, I know death very well, but when it’s death due to anything other than chronic or acute health issues, it hits different. My God Sister was found in MacArthur Park, dead and alone from a suspected drug overdose. This made me relive suppressed emotions all over again. My other sister was found dead on a sidewalk from what I believed were health issues. Autopsy and toxicology reports determined she died because of drugs. Just 4 months ago, I was planning my sister's funeral, now we have to revisit this pain. Drugs have done it once again.

What's hurting the most is thinking about their last moments. Did they know this would happen? What was going through their mind? What made them start doing drugs in the first place? All these questions have been running through my mind nonstop, on top of worrying about whether I will be next, even though I don't even do drugs. That’s anxiety eating me up.

Besides those thoughts, I am thinking about my God Sister’s kids. She has three beautiful kids who are now without a mother and father. What will be their destiny? The pain of not having your parents is hard as an adult, but as a child? What could they be going through? I'm also thinking about the cycle of drug abuse and trauma. There’s no telling what my sister and God Sister experienced growing up that could have led them to drug use. They are close to the same age, in their 40s, so their generation is different from mine. They saw firsthand the start of the crack epidemic and the Ronald Reagan era, which I believe contributed massively to the destruction of the Black family (but that's a topic for another day). These thoughts have been running rampant in my mind. How can we break the cycle!?

I've been feeling empty and drained thinking about the generation beneath me: my nieces and nephews, my cousins. What will become of them? They are products of parents raised during the crack epidemic. Parents whose parents were victims of the crack epidemic. How can I fix this? Is it my responsibility to fix it? Am I setting a positive example for those beneath me to follow? I question my actions daily. I'm doing the best I can with what I have, but will that be enough to set a good example and break the generational curse and trauma that have been laid in front of me? My heart aches thinking about the streets swallowing up the generation beneath me and my child.

Part of me wants to run away from LA and never look back so I can give my baby a better chance at life. Then a part of me feels like I'm running away from something. I've heard stories plenty of times about the one in the family who moves away to shelter their kid from the family who is "bad," or to shelter them from the reality of the world, and their kid still ends up lost in the sauce, on drugs, or just a rebellious failure. But part of me believes that we create our own reality, and that reality is based on the view you have. I'm so lost in which direction I should take.

One thing I know for certain is that I am praying away the dirty disease of addiction off my family. I am praying for peace to be still on my family. I am praying that peace finds its way into our hearts and minds. I am praying that every chain holding us back from reaching our fullest potential is broken. I am praying for a miracle right now, that the path set for destruction is closed off and that we know which direction to take. I pray that when we are faced with making a decision, God gives us a clear answer on where to go. I am also praying that better opportunities are placed in our lives so that we can give the generation beneath us a better start than what we were given. Amen.

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